History Horrors

Another contribution to our morbid collection from author Chaz Wood.

Come in, children. Come in, it’s always lovely to see so many happy, smiling faces.

That’s all about to change as we take a quick tour among some of the most heinous and barbaric instruments of unpleasantness ever devised by our devious-minded ancestors. Ah, you may think this will be funny, cool or even just a bit spooky, eh…but wait until you come face to face with these sadistic gadgets.

Our First Lady of the Exhibition is our very own Virgin of Nuremberg, otherwise popularly known by the name taken by the world’s most famous heavy metal band, the “Iron Maiden”.

Contrary to popular belief this device wasn’t intended to execute the condemned (although death could easily follow before very long due to combined trauma and blood loss). The upright sarcophagus was carved in wood, with the face of a ‘maiden’ roughly corresponding to the position of the victim’s head when placed inside. The very thick outer shell would deaden screams when closed.

The doors in front and back bore metal spikes, aimed at non-vital organs, which would transfix the body repeatedly as the doors were opened and closed upon the inhabitant. (Think of that scene in the movie Saw IV where the middle-aged couple are impaled together by metal spikes - her wounds are cunningly placed in non-fatal areas, but designed to cause excruciating agony when removed…oh, you thought that was “Boring”, did you? Well perhaps you’d like to try her out for size…?)

Moving onwards, children…don’t touch the exhibits, little boy, you don’t want to think about where this one has been. A decidedly non-sexist device, known as the ‘pear’, due to its basic shape.

Consider a metal pear, halved lengthways and with a spike or probe attached to the bottom. A screw mechanism opened the two halves gradually apart, the spikes creating extra discomfort as the device was designed to be forced into the rectum or vagina.

Women guilty of adultery would be unlikely to re-offend after a session with this barbaric device, likewise those believed to be sodomizers, or witches guilty of sexual relations with the Devil. As such, its use was also inflicted upon heretics and blasphemers, in which instances it was more commonly inserted in the mouth.

Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition had the ‘Comfy Chair’, but the reality of Inquisitorial furniture was less amusing for those condemned to an uncomfortable seat. Common characteristics included spikes protruding from the back, on the arm-rests, on the seat (of course) and on the feet rests and leg rests.

To prevent wriggling, one would be bound tight in the chair with rope or cord, or in more elaborate variations, by metal bars attached to screws to maximize the penetrating power of the spikes and immobilize the sitter.

As if that wasn’t enough, the iron version of the Un-Comfy Chair could be heated by a brazier placed beneath. The chair was a popular method of torture across Europe until the late 1700s. The Museo di Criminologia Medioevale in San Gimignano, Siena, Spain, hosts a chair whose entire surface is covered in iron spikes, and bears a screw-driven wooden bar to pierce and lacerate the backs of the legs by means of two very large wing-nuts. Pleasant, isn’t it?

The Spanish Tickler or Cat’s Paw - despite its lewd-sounding name, is one of those instruments that’s so simple, it’s barbaric.

Resembling rather a two or three-pronged garden fork designed for pulling up the weeds from between your garden slabs, this was used on the naked flesh of individuals condemned either to death, or brutal torture at the hands of secular institutions. The long, pointed iron claws tore and shredded flesh and muscle alike.

One characteristic of the more extreme and bloody tortures is that they were usually inflicted upon persons bound head-down, to allow a continued flow of blood to the brain during the ordeal, and hence prolong the suffering (and the entertainment of the spectators, one supposes, if the spectacle were to be public). In addition, the accused at public executions were usually very well-fed beforehand to ensure their ability to stay conscious for longer amounts of time during the final indignity.

Now, be quiet at the back. For speaking out of turn in days of old, you may find yourself clapped into the iron Mask of Infamy.

Like Leonardo diCaprio in The Man in the Iron Mask, but much worse. In some ways, this was as cruel a device as any. The wrongdoer first having been presented to public ridicule (either in the stocks - which locked the ankles in place - or the pillory, which locked the head and hands) - the mask was placed on the head to increase the suffering and show the community what one had been guilty of.

Iron prongs, gags, balls and other devices often existed inside the mask to stifle the wearer’s speech, breathing, or to hold the tongue in place - a common treatment for women who nagged. Ridiculous or demonic appendages and features were often a part of the mask, symbolizing what the individual was believed to be guilty of. (On a side note, the pillory was often far crueller than often depicted, as the height of the device could be adjusted to force the accused to stand on tiptoes for the duration of the humiliation - often a day, or even longer - while being pelted, stoned and generally abused by the passing populace.

I have also heard of cases when the hands were pinned through the palms to the wood of the pillory, and once the punishment was over and the head and wrists unlocked, it was the guilty party’s job to remove their own hands…suddenly I’m reminded of the crucifixion scene at the feast in The Sword and the Sorceror.)

So, children, I hoped you enjoyed your tour of our little museum. Go home now and consider what your ancestors once had to put up with in the name of justice and retribution, and consider it deeply before you next think consider complaining about your hateful, dire, life and all the pain you’re forced to put up with from your teachers and parents…

Ref: “tortura Inquisizione Pena di Morte”, Dr Aldo Migliorini, Lalli Editore.

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